10 Little Monkeys, Mainstream Style

This little gem popped up on my Facebook newsfeed from Huffington Post Good News.

It is definitely hilarious.  I was part of two attachment parenting groups, and… well… let’s just say that the satire was well deserved.

I have discovered, however, that the most pot shots that are taken (both humorous and decidedly not) are against the alternative sect of parenting.  It’s time mainstream parenting gets a little poke.

So, I present to you, Jennifer’s version of ‘5 Little Monkeys’ Every Mom Will Relate To:

Ten little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

Momma asked the Mom group and the Mom group said:

Give that kid a smack.  I WAS SPANKED AND I TURNED OUT OK.

***

Nine little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

Momma asked the Mom group and the Mom group said:

I read the results of a preliminary scientific study in the Huffington Post that was dumbed down for me, and it said that lack of sleep leads to all sorts of behavioral issues.  Have you tried sleep training?  My precious poppet was sleep trained at 6 months, and she sleeps peacefully in her crib for 12 hours straight.

***

Eight little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

Momma asked the Mom group and the Mom group said:

You should enroll your child in toddler gym, karate, art enrichment courses, and the kindergarten preparation classes taught by Kaplan.  That will keep him busy, and it’s never to early to prepare for Harvard!

***

Seven little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

Momma asked the Mom group and the Mom group said:

You think this is bad?  Wait until he’s a threenager.

***

Six little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

Momma asked the Mom group and the Mom group said:

Create a reward chart, so every time he doesn’t jump on the bed, he gets a sticker.  Then he can use the sticker to “buy” treats from you!  Behaviorism is AWESOME!

***

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

Momma asked the Mom group and the Mom group said:

That child needs structure and a strict routine.  I saw on Nanny 911 (or maybe it was on It’s Me or the Dog?) that a consistent routine turns children into little cherubs who never jump on beds, or argue with their parents, or express dangerous forms of creativity that will prevent them from getting into Harvard.

***

Four little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

Momma asked the Mom group and the Mom group said:

You should really get him on Ritalin.  My toddler started exhibiting signs of ADHD that young, too, and we were prescribe it by his pediatrician who has no training in psychiatric medicine.  It’s life changing!  (This recommendation is brought to you by the fine folks at Novartis. Create zombies.  Live well.)

***

Three little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

Momma asked the Mom group and the Mom group said:

You know you’re not supposed to leave your precious poppet alone for even 30 seconds!  What if he got kidnapped by a band of roving psychopaths who break into houses and steal children.  I saw it on Fox News Boston, so it must be true!

***

Two little monkeys jumping on the bed,

One fell off and bumped his head.

Momma asked the Mom group and the Mom group said:

He’s just looking for attention.  It’s best not to give it to him, even if he’s bleeding.  He’s got to learn to take care of himself at some point!  You don’t want him coming to you asking for stuff when he’s 4 or 20 (gasp!)

***

One little monkey jumping on the bed,

He fell off and bumped his head.

Momma asked the Mom group and the Mom group said:

Get off the damn computer and stop listening to all this bullshit.

 

If you do not like what I have to say, the following responses are inappropriate:  death threats, name calling, insulting my son or any member of my family, or anything else that you would not say to my face.  It is a sorry state of affairs that we live in a world where this disclaimer is even necessary.

About Jennifer

Middle-aged working mother of a toddler. Also a Barefoot Books Ambassador and OBC certified teacher. Prone to cooking, ranting, fiction writing, and musing.
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